Portobello Aquathon and The Benchmark

Having spent too long talking to The Editor about pre-race nerves, and the physical manifestation of them, I now understand the term Lightening the Load. I even shaved my 14 year old Goatee beard to generate less drag during the swim.

750m swim (with a long beach start, including transition) = 15 mins 17 secs. I know, I know, it was a bit slow.

5km dash along the flat seafront = 20 mins 53 secs. That's remarkable and shows what Lycra can do for a man when it's correctly fitted to an attractive, faster lady.

So these are my new Benchmark times to be improved upon.

Speaking of Benchmarks, I've found out that I am increasingly annoying other people. Not because of my words or actions, but because I'm getting fitter. More than just one of my friends thinks that this is simply not on. They decided a long time ago that I was the 'maximum danger level' on their 'Healthometer'. "Oh, I'm nowhere near as unhealthy as the Walrus, so I must be OK."

It was an arbitrary, albeit easy choice to select me, what with my prior condition. I wouldn't say they were aiming very high, though. What a difference a year makes.

Current weight is 13 stones (182 pounds / 82.5 kg).

I'm expecting to go into the 12s this week.

The Big Ben Nevis Triathlon award winner!

I awoke at 4.10am. Fully one hour before the clock was set to alarm. The noisy blast furnace that is my stove succeeded in also waking The Editor and enticed him out of his tent for a cup of tea. He was dressed quickly, what with having donned the tri-suit the previous evening in an attempt to ward off the cold.

I won't forget my first steps into Loch Linnhe at 7.55am on the 20th September, 2008. The cold water succeeded in shocking out the disappointment of seeing all the surrounding houses draped in mist and leaving the second few hundred metres of cycle route barely visible. I knew we were in for the long haul over dank, drenched hillsides. But back to the more pressing engagement of my first open water, 1.9km, mass start swim. And once the body had finally realised that it wasn't going to be transported immediately out of the cold, cold sea into a nice warm bath, it gave up protesting. Then fell silent tension as the man on the shore quietly announced an earplug muted 10 second countdown. The fields of shoreline seaweed soon gave way to flailing elbows and splashing feet. Once in deep water, the view was interrupted only by the occasional robotic, goggled stare of another similarly paced competitor taking a harmoniously symmetrical breath. My swim was strong and I was the 8^th person to leave the water, slightly dazed, but delighted that the tide had helped speed the return approach to land.

Then into T1, where you change out of your wetsuit and into your cycling gear. Why it took me more than 8 minutes to put on trousers, a t-shirt, shoes and a bike helmet is completely beyond explanation. If you were quick, 8 minutes is apparently long enough to do all that, then pop across the road and have a 5 item Morrison’s fry up and a cuppa.

The first feeling of utter despair didn’t arrive until the start of the third cycle lap, around 47km into the 90km. My decision to speed through the transition on this lap without stopping for food or drink was not a wise one. If the camera man hadn’t been filming me, no doubt I would have instead been stuffing my face with the “free” sliced half Mars Bars and quartered oranges before returning to mountain biking déjà vu hell. But I skipped the niceties and went straight to the mountain biking déjà vu hell. The same bleak route yet again, but this time with the added benefit of more pain and no-one else around for company. My morale was boosted when the Total Fitness Bath couple overtook me near the top of the long climb, giving a visual incentive to remain a short distance behind her rear wheel. I remained there for quite some time (approximately 8km), occasionally clearing my eyes to try and get a better view through her permanently muddy rooster tail of spray that had become quite annoying by this time. However, once on the tarmac, their polished cycling tactics allowed them to accelerate away. Obviously they do normal Triathlons too.

Lap 4 became quite enjoyable after I had ditched the inferior organic dried dates and decided to stop for chocolate treats at every single feeding station. Oh how I wish I hadn’t mocked The Editor’s multi-buy family pack of Snickers.

The 21km run stage might as well have been replaced by a 4406 foot ladder, since it was nearly vertical all the way to the top. No zigzagging tourist paths here - just a direct ascent up a sketchy path with only a handful of jelly babies to look forward to at the half way point. Had I been a few minutes quicker, I would have witnessed the spectacle of The Editor standing around chatting and having a cup of tea with the marshals at the lower feeding station. 7 hours without a cuppa was obviously just too long. I think the only reason I caught up with him at all was this ill thought out strategy of tea consumption, leading to presumably more frequent toilet stops en-route.

About 25 minutes from the top and I went through a secondary lapse of reason. The bleakness became overwhelming; a sea of crunching scree enveloping you and the realisation slowly dawning that you are actually expected to run back down this cliff-face of a route without hurting yourself. Yet again I can’t understand why I refuse the kindly prepared minty looking Tiffin on the summit. I suspect this time it’s due to an overly constricting bum bag belt digging into my bladder and causing medium to severe discomfort which would only be exacerbated by the impending thunderously bouncy descent.

I justify losing two positions on the downward section by having gained 3 on the upward leg. I actually didn’t mind getting overtaken by the amusing German who was praying that “it would all end soon”. And only momentarily did I think about knobbling the bloke who was considerably faster on the flat road run out to the finish. I would never have caught up with him to knobble anyway.

I cross the line 24th out of 42 entrants. That's not bad for my second ever Triathlon, considering this was a greulling off-road, half Ironman distance event.

In true Scottish fashion, the prize giving was held in the local pub. After the applause for each category winner had died down, the man from the shore took to the stage.

“We begin a new tradition tonight. Each year we will be giving a special "Brass Monkey" award for the entrant who surprises us the most during the day.” I thought it was sure to go to the guy who spent more than 2 minutes totally nude at T1 in front of all the children and old ladies. But my name was called! I nearly choked on my well deserved cheeseburger and double helping of chips. As I approached to receive the award, the room fell silent.

“Can we tell everyone why you are receiving this award?”

”Of course” I replied.

He began “This time last year you were …..” which lead me to complete “21 and a half stones.”

To people who think that 3kg excess body weight is the end of the world, this was pretty spectacular and I was rewarded with the heartiest round of applause.

Current weight is 13 stones 2 pounds (184 pounds / 83.5 kg).

I can't believe that I've actually put weight on after this weekend!

Pizza supper

There was quite a bit of discussion during our training run together, earlier this evening. Mostly it revolved around what clothing we would be wearing and our training schedules, etc. It turned out that we had plenty of time for chatting as the quick 10k soon turned into a mammoth 16k off road, mud and woodland epic in the dark.

It also provided an eye-opening insight into The Editor's meticulous preparations for what most would consider to be a strenuous event next Saturday, the Big Ben Nevis Triathlon.

"So, The Editor, how much training have you done for Saturday?"
"Well, I did go to the swimming baths on Monday."

"What running shoes have you got?"
"I think I'll wear my sandals."

"How many hills have you run up within the past year?"
"None. But I've been to the Alps!"

And my favourite, "Which is your favourite part of Triathlon?"
"None of it. I hate every bit."

I could hardly concentrate for laughing. It's priceless. You couldn't write a day in the life of The Editor, as nobody would believe you.

But the good news for him is that I managed to temporarily handicap myself on the way home. With the carbo loading having already begun, and keen to replenish the now missing glycogen in my muscles, I couldn't decide if I should get a bag of chips to snack on for the journey home, or if I should eat the Salt and Vinegar Rice Pringles that were sitting beside me, having been purchased to aide with Saturday night's recovery. So I ate the Pringles. Then I went to the chippy. Then, for good measure, I went to the Pizza shop. Doh!

Current weight is 13 stones (182 pounds / 82.5 kg), but likely to increase tomorrow!

Dating a Triathlete...

I wish I had written this, but credit goes to this chap who copied it from somewhere else.

Dating a Triathlete...

"I am an outdoors type of person." Really means: I train in any type of weather. If it's raining, snowing, 90 degrees w/100 percent humidity, or winds gusting at 30 mph. I don't want to hear any complaints because I will still train in it and you're just a big wuss for complaining about it.

"I enjoy riding my bike." Really means: with or w/o aero bars, alone or in a peleton, I don't care. If you can't do a spur of the moment 30 miler then you're not my type. I will let you draft, but if you can't hang and I drop you - I will see you later. I am a capable mechanic, but don't expect me to change your flats or tune your bike. You need to learn that on your own.

"I enjoy jogging." Really means: Let's run hills until we puke. I have just as many shoes as you only mine are better because they are functional and all look the same.

"I enjoy dining out." Really means: I enjoy eating out, in or anywhere else I can find food. Don't be shy because with the amount of food I eat, you can have that main entree instead of a salad and you will still look as though you eat like a rabbit in comparison. Don't get your limbs too close though as I may take a bite out of you. Most importantly don't expect any taste off my plate unless you can bring omething to the party like more food. Eventually though if your not burning 4,000 calories a day your going to plump up and have a terrible complex due to watching me eat deserts and not gain any weight. Friends and family will eventually decide not to dine with us anymore due to my horrid table manners. Oh, and don't ask me any questions during breakfast, Mid Morning Lunch, Lunch, Afternoon lunch, dinner or Recovery Dinner as it does not lend to efficient food intake.

"I enjoy quiet walks on the beach." Really means: Walks on the beach warming up into an 8 mile run and then plunging myself in the ocean for a 2 miler. If you get in my way you're going to find out what mass start is and let me assure you that you don't want to find out.

"I find fulfillment in charitable work." Really means: If I am not racing, I am volunteering and I expect you to be there along side me as I stand out in 90 degree weather for 8 hours handing out sports drink to cyclists going 20 mph. Just stick the ol' arm out there and hope it doesn't get taken off.

"I enjoy sharing quiet moments together." Really means: It's taper time. Just back off because I am strategizing and in a pissy mood because I am worried about my "A" race and can't workout.

"I am an active person." Really means: Aside from my 40 hour job, and the 8 mandatory hours of sleep a night. 10 hours a week are devoted to me during the off-season and 20 during race season leaving us 4 hours. 2 of which are spent inhaling food and you not talking to me, so let's make the best of the 2 hours we will spend together on average each day. If you are a licensed message therapist or doctor this would make the most optimal use of our time together. Nutritionist is also acceptable, but I probably already know just as much as you.

"I enjoy road trips and leisurely drives." Really means: You have your choice of Wisconsin, Idaho, Florida, California, Arizona, and Canada, but don't expect to do much site seeing. If I get enough support from you we might be able to include Hawaii in there.

"I enjoy site seeing." Really means: Lets grab a mountain bike and get our HR's up to 90%. There's plenty of time to look around on the descent as trees and bushes whiz by you at 40 mph.

"I like stimulating conversation." Really means: while we are running, we can talk about food. Then we can talk about how we decided what to wear on this run based on the temperature at start time versus the temperature at the time we expect to finish, how horribly out of shape we are, how many miles we did last week, and how many we will do this week and next week. Then we can talk about food.

"I enjoy relaxing soaks in the tub." Really Means: I'm going to stop on the way home and buy two bags of ice, throw them in the tub with some water, and sit in this torture chamber for 30 minutes.

"I'm interested in photography" Really Means: My camera is permanently perched a tripod in front of my trainer. I obsess over taking photos of my bike position and analyzing them to get the perfect setup.

"I'm into in technology" Really Means: My HRM and bike computer are my best friends. Until you can give me some hard data that can improve my training, don't bother trying to buddy up to me. You could one day break into the top three if I find you as entertaining on long runs and rides as my mp3 player.

Current weight is 13 stones (182 pounds / 82.5 kg).

Back to "normal"

My knee appears to be fixed.

The lady physio certainly knew what she was talking about. Either that, or my recovery miraculously coincided with her treatment. Hillwalking last weekend was without incident, after attempting to walk and run on the ball of my foot - especially on the downward sections. Even cycling is enjoyable again, not having to worry about snapping anything mechanical (related to the new mountain bike) or physical (related to my lower leg).

One week of training left now before the Big Triathlon. I see that 60 other "normal" people have entered so far! Will The Editor be adding to the field?

Current weight is 13 stones (182 pounds / 82.5 kg).

Iliotibial irregularity

I now know quite a lot about knees. Nothing to trouble a scientist bod, and nothing I won't soon forget, but for the moment I know a lot more than I did last week. The pain has been narrowed down to mainly tendonitis. The "visible" manifestation being a very tight iliotibial tendon on my right leg. This has been creating the pain I've experienced on the opposite side of the knee, and now makes perfect sense considering the discomfort I've been experiencing.

I didn't just make this up. I went to see a professional. Actually, I previously self-diagnosed a completely different ailment, with an unsurprisingly contradictory treatment plan. However, the guilt of pressing ahead regardless with step ups and plyometric jumps has now lifted entirely. Actually, the physio informed me that the worst thing to do was to stop all exercise.

Tonight I responded with a vigorous 15k off-road bike reintroduction to the training schedule and caked myself in mud. After a couple of iliotibial related "oohs", "errs" and "I don't know about this", it appears that I've gained considerable benefit from actually using the leg again. The Big Ben Nevis triathlon appears to be no longer in doubt! Especially considering I didn't drown on my first real open water swim in Loch Tay yesterday.

If only I'd gone to see the physio two weeks ago, it would have advanced the pleasure of sitting in the same room as a beautiful young woman, watching as she expertly composed an image my quadricipital muscle structure in her mind with fingertips as her only tool, then diagnosing and treating my knee issue before commanding me to demonstrate my squatting technique; all of this whilst dressed in nothing more than my pants. Oh, of course, and I would have had an extra two weeks training.

She also informed me that my running technique needs to dramatically change to avoid serious long term issues.

Current weight is 13 stones (182 pounds / 82.5 kg).