The return of the wetsuit

Today I saw a man nearly die from exposure.

My Orca S2 wetsuit needs to be returned before the end of October to benefit from the summer rental bargain deal of £50. So to maximize its pound per mile, the wetsuit was destined for one last hurrah; a final test of long distance, open water swimming. Erring on the side of safety, it would not be sensible to throw one's self in a loch alone, so The Editor, the only one crazy enough to contemplate the task, duly agreed to the swim.

If Rolf Harris himself had attached The Editor to his wobble board and vibrated it as ferociously as humanly possible, he would still not have achieved even half the frequency, nor amplitude, of pre-hypothermic shivering state he found himself in climbing out of Loch Earn after 3.5km of cold swimming. Both of us were incapable of standing up to exit the loch for quite some time after reaching the shore. In fact, both of us fell over on the first attempt of getting out. Some hilarity ensued regarding the inability of either of us, due to said shivering, to use the car key to open the door, but this was fueled more by our delirious state than humour. In fact, I couldn't even speak properly, my moving face parts having partially frozen. The Editor's repeated statement of "I'll be alright in a minute" was terribly unconvincing.

The deliriousness lasted for some time judging by the inability to focus on driving and also by my overly keen thumb based manoeuvre to remove my wetsuit. Wishing myself into dry clothes as quickly as possible, I used my thumb as a lever to prise the wetsuit over my heel. I didn't feel any immediate pain, as my extremities felt like they had been cryogenically preserved, but I did hear a loud crack followed by laughter. Unfortunately, it was my own laughter, which can only mean that I'd dipped into a manic state.

A nice cup of tea later and discussions began regarding the water temperature. The consensus being that it was very cold indeed. An agreement to avoid future open water swimming in October was also reached.

Current weight is 13 stones (182 pounds / 82.5 kg).