Psssshhh. The bike tyre went flat in under 3 seconds.
I called The Editor so he could laugh at me for ignoring his advice regarding Kevlar bands.
Ring, ring, ring, "Puncture is it?". I think he'd started laughing before he even answered the phone, having already diagnosed the problem purely by the ring. Remarkable.
There followed a tentative 8km run back home, wearing cleated cycle shoes.
A year ago, I'd have been phoning a rescue service. Now I just get on with it.
Current weight is 13 stones (182 pounds / 82.5 kg).
Monday, 22 December 2008
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
No more Mrs Nice Girl
My personal trainer completely lost the plot tonight. I think she mixed up her workout plans and had me confused with either The Incredible Hulk or The Thing from The Fantastic Four.
After some lengthy discussions about her state of mind, we proceeded, in a disorderly fashion, to pile on more weights that I had even thought possible, let alone sensible.
First, the Squat. This was surprisingly OK after removing 50kg from the first attempted weight that I couldn't even raise off the rack. What remained was still 50kg more than I had previously lifted, which caused my legs to resonating markedly. "Good, that's really great." comes the positive encouragement from my trainer. I briefly lost focus due to my right eyeball momentarily popping out and bouncing off my eyelashes.
Next, the Deadlift. It was pitiful. I only managed 10kg more than my previous best. And multiple attempts proved that my knees are too big and get in the way.
Moving swiftly on to the finale, the Bench Press. I was at a disadvantage, not having performed this in over a month, but I happily managed 5kg more than my previous best.
According to The Aasgaard Company, 2006, my performance rates as follows:
Squat: Intermediate. Obviously, my quads are progressing nicely.
Dead lift: Untrained to Novice. Obviously, my hamstrings are not.
Bench press: Untrained to Novice. Apparently I still have man boobs.
The problem is that "Untrained" in the above context represents the minimum level of strength required to maintain a reasonable quality of life in a sedentary individual.
Oh dear.
Every now and again, it's useful to go through a grounding experience. This was more like a kick in the teeth, though. Thank you Assguard.
Nuts and a tuna salad are my only comfort this evening.
Current weight is 13 stones 2 pounds (184 pounds / 83.5 kg).
After some lengthy discussions about her state of mind, we proceeded, in a disorderly fashion, to pile on more weights that I had even thought possible, let alone sensible.
First, the Squat. This was surprisingly OK after removing 50kg from the first attempted weight that I couldn't even raise off the rack. What remained was still 50kg more than I had previously lifted, which caused my legs to resonating markedly. "Good, that's really great." comes the positive encouragement from my trainer. I briefly lost focus due to my right eyeball momentarily popping out and bouncing off my eyelashes.
Next, the Deadlift. It was pitiful. I only managed 10kg more than my previous best. And multiple attempts proved that my knees are too big and get in the way.
Moving swiftly on to the finale, the Bench Press. I was at a disadvantage, not having performed this in over a month, but I happily managed 5kg more than my previous best.
According to The Aasgaard Company, 2006, my performance rates as follows:
Squat: Intermediate. Obviously, my quads are progressing nicely.
Dead lift: Untrained to Novice. Obviously, my hamstrings are not.
Bench press: Untrained to Novice. Apparently I still have man boobs.
The problem is that "Untrained" in the above context represents the minimum level of strength required to maintain a reasonable quality of life in a sedentary individual.
Oh dear.
Every now and again, it's useful to go through a grounding experience. This was more like a kick in the teeth, though. Thank you Assguard.
Nuts and a tuna salad are my only comfort this evening.
Current weight is 13 stones 2 pounds (184 pounds / 83.5 kg).
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Chaos theory
Chaos theory describes the behaviour of certain dynamical systems (systems whose states evolve with time) that are highly sensitive to small permutations in initial conditions. Tiny fluctuations of input values can lead to exponentially increasing variances of outcomes. To put it another way, one small cock up at the start can result in a complete and utter balls up later on.
"It's not cold enough to die" were the comforting words offered to me by The Editor as we decided if we should spend a December night here, on the east side of Loch Ericht; X marks the spot:
Two days later and I still haven't recovered feeling in the outer quarter of my left foot's big toe.
You'll see from the map that there are no hotels, B&Bs, camp sites, houses, roads, tracks, paths, or even animal life for many, many miles. And it's now 4pm in December; i.e. dark. It was either this, or risk going "over the top" as they called it in 1914, back over some hill that led to ?. Oh, and did I mention that we weren't carrying adequate equipment for such an event. It was only a stroke of laziness that meant a torch had remained in my rucksack from a previous outing.
This won't be happening again; eBay is going to take a battering over the next couple of weeks and I'll be carrying enough equipment to invade a small country, with leftovers to supply the SAS.
Had we actually had the section of map covering this area, we would have chosen not to walk towards Dalwhinnie along this route even in bright sunshine, let alone in near total darkness. In reality, had we not been focused on dealing with my lady issues, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. Mental note to self: wait until the car is in sight before opening up any cans of worms.
I actually found the episode perversely enjoyable, as it was a proper survivalist test of stamina. I now know that I can physically cope with an unprepared 6 and a half hour walk out to avoid potentially very serious consequences, although it would have been better conducted on a warm, sunny, summer's evening.
The other positive outcome is that I now appear to have developed calf muscles similar to those of an elephant and I am very good at contouring around a hillside that slopes upwards to my right, especially at night.
I have eaten chips and sausage rolls in celebration.
Current weight is 13 stones (182 pounds / 82.5 kg).
"It's not cold enough to die" were the comforting words offered to me by The Editor as we decided if we should spend a December night here, on the east side of Loch Ericht; X marks the spot:
Two days later and I still haven't recovered feeling in the outer quarter of my left foot's big toe.
You'll see from the map that there are no hotels, B&Bs, camp sites, houses, roads, tracks, paths, or even animal life for many, many miles. And it's now 4pm in December; i.e. dark. It was either this, or risk going "over the top" as they called it in 1914, back over some hill that led to ?. Oh, and did I mention that we weren't carrying adequate equipment for such an event. It was only a stroke of laziness that meant a torch had remained in my rucksack from a previous outing.
This won't be happening again; eBay is going to take a battering over the next couple of weeks and I'll be carrying enough equipment to invade a small country, with leftovers to supply the SAS.
Had we actually had the section of map covering this area, we would have chosen not to walk towards Dalwhinnie along this route even in bright sunshine, let alone in near total darkness. In reality, had we not been focused on dealing with my lady issues, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. Mental note to self: wait until the car is in sight before opening up any cans of worms.
I actually found the episode perversely enjoyable, as it was a proper survivalist test of stamina. I now know that I can physically cope with an unprepared 6 and a half hour walk out to avoid potentially very serious consequences, although it would have been better conducted on a warm, sunny, summer's evening.
The other positive outcome is that I now appear to have developed calf muscles similar to those of an elephant and I am very good at contouring around a hillside that slopes upwards to my right, especially at night.
I have eaten chips and sausage rolls in celebration.
Current weight is 13 stones (182 pounds / 82.5 kg).
Monday, 24 November 2008
Multi tasking
I attended Body Attack tonight. It's a high energy aerobics class with weights.
The high energy aerobics part of it was fine, i.e. not too embarrassing. Holding 2 kg in each hand whilst also performing high energy aerobics was simply too demanding for my brain and my movements degenerated to such an extent that I found myself actually standing still. It was like my muscles chose to have a sit down protest. Even the instructor couldn't really work out what was going wrong, so suggested that I don't use the weights until after a couple of sessions.
Unusually, the abundance of lycra didn't distract me from the task in hand, as I redirected my entire bloodflow system to my brain in an attempt to keep up with the rest of the class.
I shall return next week, when hopefully I will retain some muscle memory from tonight's efforts.
Current weight is 13 stones 2 pounds (184 pounds / 83.5 kg).
The high energy aerobics part of it was fine, i.e. not too embarrassing. Holding 2 kg in each hand whilst also performing high energy aerobics was simply too demanding for my brain and my movements degenerated to such an extent that I found myself actually standing still. It was like my muscles chose to have a sit down protest. Even the instructor couldn't really work out what was going wrong, so suggested that I don't use the weights until after a couple of sessions.
Unusually, the abundance of lycra didn't distract me from the task in hand, as I redirected my entire bloodflow system to my brain in an attempt to keep up with the rest of the class.
I shall return next week, when hopefully I will retain some muscle memory from tonight's efforts.
Current weight is 13 stones 2 pounds (184 pounds / 83.5 kg).
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Gamekeeping
This has nothing to do with the delicious pheasant that was Sunday's dinner.
Did you know that your thumb ligaments make a loud cracking noise as they break? I can confirm that this noise was that sound.
The doctor tells me that the directional weakness and pain exhibited by my thumb is a clear indication of ligament damage and that it will take a considerable time to heal. Google informs me that the somewhat amusing colloquial name for this ailment is Gamekeeper's thumb.
I have another 5 or so months to invent a better way to remove my wetsuit; one that doesn't utilize the thumb.
On a brighter note, I have actually identified a benefit of last weekend's outrageous carb outburst. As soon as I reduce my carb intake, the podgy feeling in my belly disappears and my internals feel like they are back to normal. I wonder how long it will take to forget / ignore that important rediscovery.
Current weight is 13 stones 4 pounds (186 pounds / 84.4 kg).
Did you know that your thumb ligaments make a loud cracking noise as they break? I can confirm that this noise was that sound.
The doctor tells me that the directional weakness and pain exhibited by my thumb is a clear indication of ligament damage and that it will take a considerable time to heal. Google informs me that the somewhat amusing colloquial name for this ailment is Gamekeeper's thumb.
I have another 5 or so months to invent a better way to remove my wetsuit; one that doesn't utilize the thumb.
On a brighter note, I have actually identified a benefit of last weekend's outrageous carb outburst. As soon as I reduce my carb intake, the podgy feeling in my belly disappears and my internals feel like they are back to normal. I wonder how long it will take to forget / ignore that important rediscovery.
Current weight is 13 stones 4 pounds (186 pounds / 84.4 kg).
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
Half Marathon insanity
A friend came to visit on Friday night, which of course was call for celebration; alcohol related celebration. She remained and we ate especially spicy chicken wings with The Editor and his wife on Saturday evening, with further mild alcoholic celebration.
There's no way to say if it affected my performance, but I certainly wasn't aware of any negative side effects. Unlike The Editor, who it turns out, is Chicken Intolerant. It caused a record number of sit down visits to the bathroom on race day. And that's on top of the stand up problems currently being exhibited. The Half Marathon proved to be much like running the gauntlet for him, passing Sunday morning gardeners watering their plants and washing their cars. Notable mention should also be made that a large section of the idyllic route through the trees meandered beside the briskly flowing river and gentle waterfalls. I don't know how he held it in.
As it turns out, his bowel AND mental states were stronger than mine, winning both the race and holding his sanity for the duration. I on the other hand developed a form of mental tourettes after 6 miles, presumably due to a lack of blood to the brain. I found myself chastising anyone blocking out the beautiful sound of nature via the medium of iPod. And also talking aloud some thoughts that should really have not been overheard by other competitors around me. You need some form of motivation and entertainment to complete this distance, however. Perhaps an iPod might actually cure me in that respect.
Enjoying my house guest's company for another evening, we heartily celebrated the completion of Sunday's event with a dinner of Pheasant and chips. That was after the pub lunch and mid afternoon celebratory Pringles and Empire biscuits. The plan for a lovely healthy dinner was completely overshadowed by my vampiric desire for carb replenishment. When I finally ended the consumption for the day I even had to pull out the hoover to tidy the aftermath, such is the crumbly nature of processed carbs. Well, that and a drunken attempt to better the current world record for cracker eating. Again.
36 hours later, the tender ache of exerted gluts and quads lingers on. It'll be another 36 hours before the weekend's other excess disappear too.
On a more informative note, the finish line was crossed in 1 hour and 44 minutes. A comfortable pace was maintained throughout, showing considerable scope for improving that time. Interestingly, if the previous 10k event's speedy pace was directly extrapolated, the finish would have been just over 1 hour and 39 minutes, which does not account for the inevitible fatigue. So this result was very satisfactory indeed.
Current weight is 13 stones 4 pounds (186 pounds / 84.4 kg).
There's no way to say if it affected my performance, but I certainly wasn't aware of any negative side effects. Unlike The Editor, who it turns out, is Chicken Intolerant. It caused a record number of sit down visits to the bathroom on race day. And that's on top of the stand up problems currently being exhibited. The Half Marathon proved to be much like running the gauntlet for him, passing Sunday morning gardeners watering their plants and washing their cars. Notable mention should also be made that a large section of the idyllic route through the trees meandered beside the briskly flowing river and gentle waterfalls. I don't know how he held it in.
As it turns out, his bowel AND mental states were stronger than mine, winning both the race and holding his sanity for the duration. I on the other hand developed a form of mental tourettes after 6 miles, presumably due to a lack of blood to the brain. I found myself chastising anyone blocking out the beautiful sound of nature via the medium of iPod. And also talking aloud some thoughts that should really have not been overheard by other competitors around me. You need some form of motivation and entertainment to complete this distance, however. Perhaps an iPod might actually cure me in that respect.
Enjoying my house guest's company for another evening, we heartily celebrated the completion of Sunday's event with a dinner of Pheasant and chips. That was after the pub lunch and mid afternoon celebratory Pringles and Empire biscuits. The plan for a lovely healthy dinner was completely overshadowed by my vampiric desire for carb replenishment. When I finally ended the consumption for the day I even had to pull out the hoover to tidy the aftermath, such is the crumbly nature of processed carbs. Well, that and a drunken attempt to better the current world record for cracker eating. Again.
36 hours later, the tender ache of exerted gluts and quads lingers on. It'll be another 36 hours before the weekend's other excess disappear too.
On a more informative note, the finish line was crossed in 1 hour and 44 minutes. A comfortable pace was maintained throughout, showing considerable scope for improving that time. Interestingly, if the previous 10k event's speedy pace was directly extrapolated, the finish would have been just over 1 hour and 39 minutes, which does not account for the inevitible fatigue. So this result was very satisfactory indeed.
Current weight is 13 stones 4 pounds (186 pounds / 84.4 kg).
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Klingon veins
Vanity got the better of me tonight.
Bouyed by the surprisingly good result after stepping on the scales and the fact that the gym was populated entirely by attractive women, I went for the big red weights on the bench press, instead of the normal black iron weights. I'm still unclear as to why the male phyche encourages this type of behaviour, knowing full well that any subsequent act is more likely to backfire than actually impress anybody. The generally expected outcome was acheived; absolutely no notice was taken by anyone in the vicinity, excepting the positive encouragement from my PT stalwart.
But it was pointed out to me that the increased effort level had an unexpected side effect of greatly enlarging a pulsating vein in my forehead. To see this in action proved very difficult, since it disappears as quickly as it appears. I attempted a couple of quick runs to the mirror, without success. In the end, I found a contorted position during the "one armed row" exercise that allowed me to view the anomoly directly in the mirror.
If Michael Dorn ever gets tired of playing Worf in Star Trek, I have an exciting addition that I can list on my CV.
Current weight is 13 stones 2 pounds (184 pounds / 83.5 kg).
Bouyed by the surprisingly good result after stepping on the scales and the fact that the gym was populated entirely by attractive women, I went for the big red weights on the bench press, instead of the normal black iron weights. I'm still unclear as to why the male phyche encourages this type of behaviour, knowing full well that any subsequent act is more likely to backfire than actually impress anybody. The generally expected outcome was acheived; absolutely no notice was taken by anyone in the vicinity, excepting the positive encouragement from my PT stalwart.
But it was pointed out to me that the increased effort level had an unexpected side effect of greatly enlarging a pulsating vein in my forehead. To see this in action proved very difficult, since it disappears as quickly as it appears. I attempted a couple of quick runs to the mirror, without success. In the end, I found a contorted position during the "one armed row" exercise that allowed me to view the anomoly directly in the mirror.
If Michael Dorn ever gets tired of playing Worf in Star Trek, I have an exciting addition that I can list on my CV.
Current weight is 13 stones 2 pounds (184 pounds / 83.5 kg).
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